Hi Haya,

I’m in my early 20s and facing a very strange issue. Most of my friends are either dating or are committed in relationships. I, however, am single and just not interested in being in a relationship right now.

My goals are more focused on my career, which I solely want to work on. But some of my friends think it is something I should not be so invested into. They make me feel bad about choosing to be single, not dating or being in a relationship, as if it is a trend that I must follow.

I love my friends and happy for their decisions. But I also want them to respect mine. How would you suggest I respond to them when they taunt me again next time. Please help!

— A frustrated 20-something

Dear frustrated 20-something,

It sounds like you are very clear and comfortable in what you want to prioritise in your life currently, i.e your career – which is great! (because having mental clarity enables you to live a life that feels aligned for you)

I hear you saying your friends make you feel bad about wanting to be single. When you say they make me feel bad, I would get curious on what comes up for you.

Our friends, family members and others can say various things to us but it comes down to how we choose to respond and the boundaries we create.

For anyone to respect our decisions we must first own them versus allowing others to influence how we feel about ourselves.

In this situation I see a need for you to create boundaries for yourself.

Boundaries are regarding guidelines, rules, or limits that a person sets for themselves to communicate what they are comfortable with in relationships, interactions, and situations. They help define how others can behave around us and what we find acceptable or unacceptable. Boundaries can protect your emotional, physical, and mental well-being while fostering healthier and more respectful relationships.

In this situation how can you create boundaries that will enable you to take better care of yourself that protects your well being and maintains your relationships

How would you like to respond? What would you like to say?

You could acknowledge their perspective while demanding respect for your choices. For example, you can say: “I appreciate your concern and you looking out for me, and I’m really happy for you and your relationships and know it’s a priority for you in your life right now. However, for me at this point in my life, I’m focusing on my career and that’s what’s fulfilling for me right now. I’d really appreciate moving forward if we could respect each other’s decisions”

OR

You could also explain your perspective briefly. Sometimes people don’t understand your viewpoint or where you’re coming from. To be able to express to them. For example, you can say: “I know relationships are important for you, but for me they’re not my core priority, building a strong foundation for my future is what feels right at this point in my life.”

You can share with them why this is so important for you in your life right now.

When you work on creating boundaries in your life remember, that you need to first identify what area in your life needs a boundary, communicate it assertively but respectfully, exhibit it through your words and behaviour, be consistent with it every time they’re crossed, understand that others may react and test your limits and that’s okay and remind yourself that setting boundaries is about valuing yourself.

Ultimately, when you’ve done all of the above, and if your friends don’t respect your choices despite your efforts and you continue to feel the same way, it might help to seek out others who share your mindset and support your goals. It is okay to have different priorities and to set boundaries that protect your well-being.

— Haya

Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.

Send her your questions to [email protected]

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