No parent wants to see their child struggle. Be it difficult homework or be it a bicycle learning attempt, most parents instinctively jump in with words of encouragement. The moment a child says “I can’t do it,” the automatic response for many parents is “You can!” Parents use this phrase to reassure their kids. But what if instead of helping, this familiar phrase is actually making things worse?According to Psychologist Dr. Annie Simpson, this well-intentioned phrase can make a child feel misunderstood. And instead of building confidence, it may unintentionally dismiss the emotions they are experiencing.

Why “You can do it” does not always work

While responding with the phrase “You can” feels encouraging, it actually backfires in the situation.

When a child says “I can’t do it,” he is often experiencing something much more than the inability to complete a task. While responding with the phrase “You can” feels encouraging, it actually backfires in the situation. The seemingly positive phrase can create an argument with the child’s emotional reality. A child who’s already scared, perceives this phrase as if their parents are insisting they shouldn’t be scared. “Now it’s two problems, the scary thing, and a fight with you,” says the psychologist.Years of psychological research proves that confidence rarely appears before action. What children need at that moment is not a debate about whether they are capable, but guidance on how to take the next step. According to Psychologist Dr. Annie, these three responses are recommended during the “I can’t do it” moments:

“Not yet”

With this simple replacement, “You’re not arguing, you’re adding a timeline,” says Dr. Annie. Replacing “You can” with “Not yet” changes the entire conversation, and “Can’t” becomes “haven’t yet.” Instead of challenging the child’s belief, it introduces the idea that abilities develop over time.In psychology, this simple shift is called a growth mindset, which explains that intelligence and skills improve through practice. The phrase helps children understand that the struggle isn’t permanent and they can overcome it later.

“You don’t have to want to. You just have to start.”

According to psychology, action comes first, and motivation follows it.“They don’t have to feel ready. They just have to begin,” says Dr. Annie. This simple sentence gives children permission to feel nervous, frustrated, or even unwilling. Saying so makes children feel that their parents acknowledge their uncomfortable feelings. Over time children will learn that they don’t have to wait until they are perfect, they just have to give it a go. Over time, this mindset can help them build resilience and confidence that lasts beyond childhood.

“What’s the first tiny piece?”

When children look at a challenge as one enormous task, it’s easy for them to feel overwhelmed and give up before they’ve even begun. “Shrink the whole scary thing down to step one,” suggests Psychologist Annie. The simple question “What’s the first tiny piece?” shifts the child’s focus from the intimidating end goal to one small, manageable action. Breaking a task into smaller steps makes it feel less threatening and more achievable.None of these talk your kid out of the feeling. They walk them through it. That’s the whole difference. So, instead of focusing on the whole picture; for example, instead of “Finish your project,” ask, “Can you think of the title?”

None of these responses deny the child’s emotions

The lesson for parents

What makes these responses powerful is that none of them deny the child’s emotions. Over time, children begin to internalize these conversations. Instead of hearing a parent’s voice saying, “You can do it,” they start asking themselves, “What’s the first small step?” That question equips them with a practical strategy they can use long after childhood.